The Strange Case of the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer and the greatness of the internet.

The Strange Case of the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer and the greatness of the internet.

Posted by Steve

Some of the most funny stories on the internet are met in the most unexpected places. Take the case of the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. Follow the link and come back. Have you notice something out of the ordinary? No?… Here’s the deal.

Have you looked at the customer reviews for this product? Here’s the most helpful:

No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!

For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story.

Banana slicer…thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.

And now, the second most helpful:

Saved my marriage

What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone…. this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old “I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?” and of course, “You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!” These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!

Starting to getting a clue where this lead? Here’s the third most helpful:


Once I figured out I had to peel the banana before using – it works much better.
Ordering one for my nephew who’s in the air force in California. He’s been using an old slinky to slice his banana’s. He should really enjoy this product!

You have (at this date) 113 pages of strange, weird, crazy and deliciously hilarious reviews written by customers that turn customer reviews into an art like only the internet can create.

You will find all the reviews at Amazon’s product page of the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. And we’ll finish with the least helpful customer review:


There is no way to tell if this is a standard or metric banana slicer. Additional markings on it would help greatly.

Ordering one already?

Steve's Blog - Dec 30, 2012 | Misc, Tips & Odd, News
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